i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Welp...herpes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
