I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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