I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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