this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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