Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
