She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
