I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
