I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
