i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
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Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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