I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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