dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
