I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Two words: blizzard sex
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
