Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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