When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
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He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
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How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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