The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
