I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
