He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
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I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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