I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
