2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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