I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
