Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
