dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
