If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
