I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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