whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
