Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
