home. puking in laundry basket.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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