3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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