I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
