someone threw a dead crab at me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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