I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
