I'm going to rape someone's good day.
it hurts more in the daytime
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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