Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
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are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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