no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
