Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
