i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
