Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
After last night, I could never be a politician.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
