I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
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That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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