Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
