Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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