I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i need some magic done to my vagina
Randomize
