Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
