sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
