My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
