kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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