You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
