i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
