i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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