So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
