Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Someone came in the potted fern
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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