i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
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the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
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I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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