Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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