i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
