There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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