i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
