i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i now understand why vodka
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
