My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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